Happy Thanksgiving!

Wow, wow, wow!  Thanksgiving is already here!  It's been a fast year, a year full of challenges and blessings.  As I sit here, the night before Thanksgiving, I can't help but think about the days and the weeks and the months that have passed.

I think back to the Ides of March - March 15th.  I remember posting on my Facebook page the quote from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar:  "Beware the Ides of March."  I was an English major in college and always found humor in quoting Shakespeare on March 15th.  My kids would always get a text from me - Beware the Ides of March!  Strange, I know :-)  Anyway....in the play, Caesar had been warned that the Ides of March would be a fateful day for him and indeed it was - he was murdered by his closest friend and ally.

And as it turns out, the Ides of March, 2011, was a fateful day for me.

On the morning of March 15th, I dragged myself to a doctor's appointment.  In the previous weeks, I had been to the gym and could only walk on the treadmill.  I didn't have the energy to run.  I thought I was really out of shape.  And I found myself sleeping very soundly at night, which was (and still is) unusual for me.  I thought the craziness of work was catching up with me.  Even when I was sleeping 10 hours a night and then napping 3 hours in the afternoon I thought it was just exhaustion from work.  But when I realized that I was out of breath walking up the stairs in my house, I knew I needed a check-up, so off to the doctor's I went.

On the evening of March 15th, the doctor called and told me I was severely anemic and my white blood cells were extremely low.  I was told to go immediately to the emergency room, where the staff was waiting to give me a transfusion...or two.  And then I was admitted to the hospital.

The Ides of March certainly kicked me in the butt!  Now how humorous is that???  I have to admit that I do find it a bit ironic.

In the 8 months since, I've had 11 transfusions, 2 bone marrow biopsies, 2 episodes of neutropenia requiring hospitalization, one massive infection, a picc line, a port, a Hickman line, 10 week of induction chemo, 2 rounds of the white blood cell builder called neupogen, a 1 day dance with Cytoxan chemo, 2 days of stem cell collection, 2 days of the extremely nasty Melphalan chemo, an autologous stem cell transplant, about 5 weeks of memory loss during and after the stem cell transplant....and let's not forget hair loss.

Let's also not forget, in the words of my primary care physician, 'a phenomenal recovery,' a continual return of energy, the good 15 lb weight loss (yes!!!), the return to cooking and walking and working and life....and my hair is starting to grow!  All in 3 months - 92 days to be exact - post-transplant.  Wow, wow, wow!!

And so on this Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the constant and abundant love and support of my family - they never let me lose hope.  I am grateful for the friendships that have uplifted me so often.  I am grateful for the prayers from people near and afar.  I am grateful for the amazing doctors and nurses who provided me with outstanding care.  And I am grateful for the lessons I've learned since the Ides of March.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving!  And let me leave you with my wish for you in this video from my favorite Christmas movie, The Muppet Christmas Carol.  (yeah, I'm still a kid at heart!)

News of the Day

I just returned from my appointment at Dana-Farber.  I confess that I was anxious about this visit, since one of my test results from my NH oncologist visit was high.  When I had spoken to the Physician Assistant about the result, she expressed concern and that initially alarmed me.  However, my oncologist hadn't called and Dr. Anderson hadn't called, so if they were not concerned enough to call, why should I be alarmed?  Needless to say, though, I prayed and practiced my newly-learned meditation and, sure enough, my state of mind moved from 'alarmed' to 'mildly anxious.'  I would like to have been 'calm' but that could only be achieved with a little dose of Lorazepam.  Still, I try to hold on to the belief that I shouldn't worry until it is confirmed that I have something to worry about.

As it turns out, I currently have nothing to worry about :-)  My lab results look great!!!  The one high result I had in NH had nothing to do with my myeloma - or my diabetes.  And it could have been high for any number of reasons, including infection, a cold, etc.  I was relieved and thankful, though I do think I'll discuss the conversation with the PA with my NH oncology team.  It was unnerving.

Anyway, I will soon start on a maintenance dose of Revlimid, a pill that I was taking during my initial chemo treatment.  I'll take Revlimid for 21 days and then be off for 7 days.  Though some with myeloma have decided against returning to Revlimid, numerous research studies in the US and in France have supported this maintenance dose for the best prognosis, so I'm taking it!  I'll also start on Zometa, a bone strengthening drug.  Multiple myeloma can impact bone strength, and while I have no bone deficiencies at this point, I want to keep my skeletal system strong.  And soon enough, my port will be removed.  Whew - no more foreign object in my body!

And lastly, Dr. Anderson laughed when I asked if I could have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving.  "What - you haven't had any wine??  It has resveratrol and is good for you!"  I guess that means yes :-)

Back from Kripalu

My week-long trip to Kripalu ended a week ago and I had been hoping to write sooner, but Mother Nature decided to bring an early taste of winter to us, so I've been preoccupied with that.

Let me tell you, though, about my experience at Kripalu. I arrived at Kripalu on Sunday to find a group of 11 women, 3 presenters, and 2 assistants ready to start our journey. True Healing - Women Whose Lives Have Been Touched by Cancer - that was our focus for the week. In total, there were 13 of us with cancer - one of the presenters and one of the assistants have active cancer.

To say that the week was intense is an understatement. After the first gathering on Sunday night, one of the participants left the retreat and didn't return. She said it was too much for her to hear about everyone's cancer. Yes, indeed it was, but there was such great strength and such tremendous courage in our little group! We laughed, we cried, and we learned from each other. It was an important and profound experience for me. I am so glad I was well enough to go.

I did, though, find myself at odds a few times with Kripalu life. The days were very long, so I never made it to early morning yoga. I had expected to be immersed in yoga and that was not the case. I was disappointed, but I needed to be mindful that I was only 9 weeks post-transplant and not accustomed to long days. Other women, still in chemotherapy, were unable to make morning yoga, too, and it was good feedback to give the presenters for next year.

I also found myself conflicted about mealtimes. Why had I not thought about this beforehand?!? Kripalu has the most healthy food! It's one of the things I love about being at Kripalu. But I had not taken a meal outside of my house prior to this trip and I found myself avoiding certain foods, like the fabulous salads, because I was concerned about the possibility of being exposed to any type of bacteria. As health conscious as they are at Kripalu, I am sure I would have been fine, but I didn't want to take any chances. I was taking a big enough chance just being in the dining room with a few hundred people - why not be extra cautious? I did have a bag of grocery items in my room, mostly in case of low blood sugars, but I could have survived on that bag if needed. Fortunately, I never came across anyone with an illness, though I was prepared with mask and gloves if needed. And I did have my Lysol wipes to thoroughly wipe down my room when I arrived.

What I appreciated most about the week was the opportunity to be with and hear from other women with cancer. Everyone has had cancer longer than me, so they were able to verbalize some of the things I have been feeling but couldn't understand or articulate. And the presenters helped me to look at my cancer in a way that helps me live with it a little better. Two questions they asked - what did I lose with the diagnosis of cancer? and what did I gain? To my surprise, I've gained more than just extra time in the morning since I don't have hair to fuss with!

One of the things I've lost is part of my identity. Will I ever hike again? Will I ever hike those high mountains again? I worry about that. I want to be back outside on those mountains and not via a chairlift! I miss that part of my life.

One of the things I've gained is a return to a more conscious practice of my faith. I start and end each day with a conscious awareness that the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Though it is easy for me to have cancer hovering in the back of my mind, and sometimes in the forefront of my mind, and it is easy for me to be pulled into my work and the struggles of daily life that we all experience, I find peace when I pray. I am looking forward to the time when I am physically strong enough to return to daily (early!) Mass.

And I learned the basics of meditation. It takes practice and I'm not very good at it yet, but it provides me with calm when I'm overwhelmed with anything, not just cancer.

It was a good week.

Here a a few photos. The week started with beautiful fall days and ended with snow!