Anniversary #2

Two years ago today, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

What to say, as I reflect on these past two years?  To say 'life has changed' seems trivial.  Of course life has changed and I've written extensively about that.  But where am I today, two years later?

Location-wise, I am sitting in the waiting room at the oncologist, awaiting my monthly labs.  Now what were the chances that I should find myself here on the anniversary??  An odd coincidence, I would say.

Physically, I continue to regain my strength.  I still have annoyances sometimes with my feet, my hands, my jaw, but they honestly are not severe enough for me to complain, though sometimes I do.  I wish I felt confident enough in my abilities to say that I have been hiking all winter, but maybe next winter.

Cognitively and emotionally, I continue to make strides, too.  I feel less 'fogged in,' though I am occasionally surprised by just how thick the fog can be at times. A few examples:  last week I traveled to the Joslin in Boston for my diabetes check-up.  Before leaving, Joe reminded me of his taking me there a year ago for a check up.  On the one hand, it is such a wonderful thing to be able to now drive myself to my appointments.  At this time last year, I wasn't driving very far.  On the other hand, I have absolutely no recollection of last year's appointment.  No matter how hard I try to remember it, it's not there.

Similarly, a few days ago a friend was telling me about a facial she just had.  She was enthusiastic about it and asked me, "do you go for facials?"  Hmmm.  Do I go for facials?  I felt like a deer in headlights.  Do I go for facials?  Well, do I?  I have no idea how I responded but I thought about that question for days...because I had no answer, no recollection.  Surely I haven't had a facial since my diagnosis, but before that?  I think I did occasionally.  That's the best I recall.  Anyone out there know the answer??

It's those silly little things that always snap me back to the reality of what I experienced in 2 years.  It's also those things that remind me of my on-going recovery.  I tend to think of myself as strong and healthy.  I certainly feel that way the majority of the time and I think most people view me that way.  No one would look at me and think I have cancer or diabetes or any illness at all.  I see myself as having a strong will, a great ability to overcome obstacles, and a mostly positive outlook.  But I am still recovering.  I need to embrace that with a little more acceptance and awareness.

It's a balance, though, isn't it?  My Joslin dr. noted that I need more balance in my diabetes care and in my life.  No kidding...I've been working forever on living in balance! I recognize that I can approach certain things full steam ahead and like a bull in a china closet.  That's not always a bad thing.  It truly is what pulled me through many days over the past 2 years.  But mindfulness and intention can be fleeting experiences in my daily living.  I hope to change this moving forward and I think I can.  I feel like a new and different person.

Well, my labs are back.  Low WBC and ANC.  No surprises there, though they are low enough that I will exercise extra caution over the next few days.

And now this new and different person is heading to the beach.  Nothing like a walk on the beach to clear one's head and help lift the fog.