Two years ago today, I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma.
What to say, as I reflect on these past two years? To say 'life has changed' seems trivial. Of course life has changed and I've written extensively about that. But where am I today, two years later?
Location-wise, I am sitting in the waiting room at the oncologist, awaiting my monthly labs. Now what were the chances that I should find myself here on the anniversary?? An odd coincidence, I would say.
Physically, I continue to regain my strength. I still have annoyances sometimes with my feet, my hands, my jaw, but they honestly are not severe enough for me to complain, though sometimes I do. I wish I felt confident enough in my abilities to say that I have been hiking all winter, but maybe next winter.
Cognitively and emotionally, I continue to make strides, too. I feel less 'fogged in,' though I am occasionally surprised by just how thick the fog can be at times. A few examples: last week I traveled to the Joslin in Boston for my diabetes check-up. Before leaving, Joe reminded me of his taking me there a year ago for a check up. On the one hand, it is such a wonderful thing to be able to now drive myself to my appointments. At this time last year, I wasn't driving very far. On the other hand, I have absolutely no recollection of last year's appointment. No matter how hard I try to remember it, it's not there.
Similarly, a few days ago a friend was telling me about a facial she just had. She was enthusiastic about it and asked me, "do you go for facials?" Hmmm. Do I go for facials? I felt like a deer in headlights. Do I go for facials? Well, do I? I have no idea how I responded but I thought about that question for days...because I had no answer, no recollection. Surely I haven't had a facial since my diagnosis, but before that? I think I did occasionally. That's the best I recall. Anyone out there know the answer??
It's those silly little things that always snap me back to the reality of what I experienced in 2 years. It's also those things that remind me of my on-going recovery. I tend to think of myself as strong and healthy. I certainly feel that way the majority of the time and I think most people view me that way. No one would look at me and think I have cancer or diabetes or any illness at all. I see myself as having a strong will, a great ability to overcome obstacles, and a mostly positive outlook. But I am still recovering. I need to embrace that with a little more acceptance and awareness.
It's a balance, though, isn't it? My Joslin dr. noted that I need more balance in my diabetes care and in my life. No kidding...I've been working forever on living in balance! I recognize that I can approach certain things full steam ahead and like a bull in a china closet. That's not always a bad thing. It truly is what pulled me through many days over the past 2 years. But mindfulness and intention can be fleeting experiences in my daily living. I hope to change this moving forward and I think I can. I feel like a new and different person.
Well, my labs are back. Low WBC and ANC. No surprises there, though they are low enough that I will exercise extra caution over the next few days.
And now this new and different person is heading to the beach. Nothing like a walk on the beach to clear one's head and help lift the fog.
