Yes, it is. One year ago today, I spent the morning at the oncologist with the bad health news being delivered. "It's worse than I originally thought. I was hoping you had a form of anemia, but it isn't anemia. You have Multiple Myeloma." Joe and I sat there quietly at first and then Joe said he didn't know what MM was. I did not know either but somehow I knew it was cancer.
Dr. Sims walked us step by step through the definition of MM, the different types, the treatment options, how he would prefer to proceed with me. I heard some of what he said, but mostly his conversation was hovering out there all around me, not much sinking in. I had one and only one question on my mind and I finally found the courage to ask it - "how long do I have to live?" His response - "In the past it is been about 3 - 5 years, but there are so many new treatments and people are living much longer that it's difficult to keep on top of the data. It's changing rapidly." Somehow I felt relieved. Then he noted, "We can start treatment in a few weeks. I'm in this office on Tuesdays, so I'd start your treatment on a Tuesday. Let this news settle in for a bit and then we can talk about starting treatment." "No, thank you. I'll start next Tuesday."
It's a bit of a blur thereafter. I can't remember how I told our kids or how I told my sisters or my loved ones or my friends. I remember Skyping my parents to tell them. I was beating around the bush and my father came right out and said, "You have cancer. Is that what you're trying to say?" It was out and they were strong. Actually so many people have been strong for me this past year. I am truly grateful. As it says on the homepage of my blog, it is the support and love of those around me that help me to stand up again every time I fall.
I admit to falling down recently. As I've approached this 'anniversary' I've found myself wondering about my identity. Who am I now? I'm not the old Susan. The old Susan didn't have sore and swollen hands and feet; she didn't worry about every ache and pain (though maybe she should have); she didn't take 10+ pills a day; she hiked; she worked out at the gym; she certainly didn't have this out of control hair!
Well, I did something about the hair. A cut and color has made me look more like the old Susan, despite the continued curls and frizz (and the color is a little dark). I guess that is a step forward.
Beyond that, I'm still in exploring mode. What can I do to continue to heal this body? What can I do for activity during the healing process? How do I manage the daily annoyances of my feet and hands? Will I ever get back to hiking those big White Mountains? Those and other thoughts and questions fill my head these days. I have spent much time in reflection.
But today is the day, the anniversary, the time to begin anew. Here in NH it is an unseasonably bright and glorious day! The temperature should be only in the 40s and 50s, but it will be mid 80s today. I think it is a great day to slowly, slowly, very slowly begin to stand up.
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