The ride

The Mind Eraser.  The Great Chase.  Two Face:  The Flip Side.  These roller coasters could all be renamed:  Erasing Susan's Mind, Susan's Great Chase, Two Face:  SUSAN and susan.  One moment I'm up at the very top, the next moment I'm careening downward, usually into a puddle of tears.   One expects to go up and down on a roller coaster.  For me, the harrowing downward track comes without notice.  It's exasperating and exhausting.

More and more often these days I feel very good.  I feel energized and happy and ready to 'get back to normal.'  It's on those good days that I am most surprised when tears come.  Maybe it's because I realize there is no 'getting back to normal.'  I am changed, I am different, I am...I have cancer.  Why and how can I still, still, after all these months be stunned - yes, stunned! - that I have cancer??  It aggravates me that I have these erased-mind moments.

I haven't always been quick to tears (though my family and friends may disagree), but it has become more so as I've aged.  I'm emotional, yes, but terribly sentimental.  I had family visitors yesterday and I thought I would lose it when they arrived and then again when they left.  And my dad returned to Florida today - that was a good long cry, with sporadic outbursts during the morning.

Is this extra tearfulness related to having cancer?  I don't know.  My guess is yes.

When I last saw Dr. A, he told me to live my life and don't think any ailment or lousy day means the myeloma has reared its nasty head again.  Easy to say, hard to live.  I am anxious for my next check-up.  It will be here in NH.  I won't return to Dana-Farber until November and then every 3 months thereafter. In between, I'll see my NH oncologist monthly.  This change is because my check-up at D-F was very good and my blood counts continue to show the positive impact of the stem cell transplant.  Dr. A feels that I am ready to be released from his weekly care.  All good news.

So what's with the tears, you ask?

You see, I'm on this new ride, not the Mind Eraser, the Great Chase, or Two Face: the Flip Side.  I've taken my seat, tightly buckled my seat belt and secured my harness.  I'm on the ride of my life and there is nothing quite like a roller coaster to test one's mettle.