Color by number

When I was growing up, I used to love the color by number books!  There was something very satisfying about knowing that I could create a nice, neat, organized picture by following the colors and the numbers - and staying within the lines, of course.  I suppose my Type A personality was emerging even then :-)  As time went by, I was less satisfied with the nice, neat, organized picture because it didn't look real.  So I began to color on the lines and I began to blend the colors.  I like to think it was the beginning of my creativity, flexibility, and spontaneity, which have tempered my Type A characteristics over the years.

Still, when I feel uncertain, confused, stressed, I revert to color by number.  I want precision, accuracy, certainty.  And that's how I approached today's appointment with my doctor.  I walked into his office wanting and asking for my color by number.  This is what I received:

Blood counts - all improving and some are even in the normal range; still anemic, though less so

Myeloma markers - all decreasing, some significantly, which is good

Chromosomes - 3 are abnormal, putting me in the high risk category (already there with the diabetes - and besides, we Type A people say why go low risk when you can go high risk???)

Exercise - get back to it, and build up to hiking (yes!)

Nutrition - solidly good nutrition, drinking up to 2 liters of water daily - and I can have an occasional glass of wine (yes!)

Not the end of my questions, but the end of color by number.

Question:  how do I know when I'm in remission?

Answer:  it depends on the blood counts and the markers

Question:  how long until I get into remission?

Answer:  could be sooner, could be later

Question:  how long will I stay on this particular treatment (RVD - Revlimid, Velcade, Dexamethasone)?

Answer:  as long as it is working as well as it is

Question:  what about stem cell transplant (sct)?  will it be effective for me?

Answer:   research and medicines are changing so rapidly that data is slow to catch up, but yes, let's look at sct.  We'll set up a Dana-Farber appointment.

Question:  can I see Dr. Anderson at D-F? (myeloma dept chair and renowned researcher)

Answer:  maybe, maybe, we'll try.

Yup, no color by number there, but not scribbling with broken crayons on plain white paper either.  I should know by now that there are very few exact, precise, definite answers when it comes to individual health.  Everyone is different, every body responds differently.  Still, I'm quite happy with my health team, my treatment, the results, and the specific, if not precise, answers.

Moving forward, I'd like to let go of my need for color by number.  Sometimes exacting precision needs to be sacrificed in order to be open to possibilities and I want to be open to possibilities.  Maybe I'll try paint by number - those watercolors are much less Type A and may better suit my need for answers.

On a different note:  several of you have mentioned that you do not receive announcements of when my blog is updated.  I'm working on it!  I'll hope to have resolution sometime soon.